Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Thoughts During Yoga

Warning: Strong Language

For the past couple months I've been doing yoga at a local studio, and really enjoying it.  It's a little "me" time, some exercise, and usually very relaxing.  Last night was the opposite of enjoyable.  I still broke a sweat and got out of the house, but there was absolutely nothing peaceful or relaxing about this practice.  Here are some thoughts that went through my head as I was trying to find an inner calm through yoga:

(After I put my mat down in my favorite spot by the door -- because it's the coolest place in the whole studio and I sweat A LOT -- I went to the bathroom for that last pee before a 1.5 hr yoga practice.  I come back to find that the woman beside me has ignored the socially acceptable outstretched arms' distance between mats and placed hers almost overlapping mine.  

I try to be discreet and "adjust" my mat -- read: move it as far away from hers as possible without appearing rude -- and then sit down and begin to stretch.  The lady is wearing a claddagh facing out and her hair has been dyed bright orange.  There is an abnormally large gap between her third and fourth toes and I'm really hoping the green color on her toenails is polish...I try not to look at them.) 

Ok the instructor is starting class now. 

 Wait... is this hot yoga? Cause I'm already sweating. 

Ugh.  Something smells like Indian food dump.

Oh god it's the lady next to me.  WHYYY.

I'm cheating and going into child's pose a lot tonight.

OMG smelly lady just audibly shit her pants.  Did anyone else hear that?  Why isn't she leaving to go to the bathroom?  There has to be literal shit in her underwear right now.

Man this instructor really likes to do runners lunges.

Damn, my boobs look good in pigeon pose.  I like this sports bra.

I want to do my five pointed star facing the opposite direction from everyone else just so my face doesn't have to be anywhere near this woman's ass.  Who knows when it'll go off again. 

The ice cream shop next door makes much more noise than I think is necessary.  Whose idea was it to put a yoga studio next to an ice cream shop?? Rude.

Jesus she just sharted again!  It can't be good to breathe through my mouth the whole practice.

I really hope no one thinks the smell is coming from me.

I wonder how Walter White is going to give Mike his $5 million and still keep all the methylamine?

I never thought I'd see the day when I would rather shove my nose into my armpit than take a "deep, cleansing breath".  The instructor is telling us to "inhale peace and all that your body needs.. and exhale stress and all that your body doesn't need".  Lady I don't need to be inhaling your stank ass.

I need a pedicure.  Bad.

This relaxation pose is the least relaxing thing ever.  Not only is there a brown-colored fug over the whole room, but the instructor keeps talking...and talking... about stilling your mind and fully releasing stress and negativity.  Well the lady next to me has been releasing some negativity for the last hour and a half and it's been pretty effing stressful for me.

Who came up with the phrase "sweating your ass off"?  If only..

As I roll up my mat and stare judgingly at the woman who has ruined my yoga practice...

Thank god this class is over.  

I kind of wish I had stayed in the car and watched Breaking Bad on my phone for the last hour instead of polluting my lungs and probably getting pink eye.  

My neck is sore today from straining to turn my head away from her general direction.  I almost feel bad judging her so hard, but seriously.  If you have gas PLEASE exit the yoga studio.  Yeah, it's about releasing stress and being in the moment, but your comfort and relaxation shouldn't come at the expense of everyone else's noses.  

For real.

1 comment:

  1. Lol, awwww Mike! and yoga sounds sooooo relaxing! ;)