...and hopefully this will be the last time I make this decision. Sitting here at my desk and browsing Pinterest for fitness inspiration, it's easy to make the decision to eat healthy, drink water, and workout. But when I try to find the time and motivation to do these things, I take the easy way out and just... don't.
Yesterday I bought a pair of underwear that looked huge (but were "my size") and when I got home and put them on, they were tight. This has happened a million times. I hate going clothes shopping -- always have. I hate getting sweaty in a 2x2 changing room trying to zip up jeans that should be a size too big...
I completely agree with whoever first said that losing weight/getting healthy is a lifestyle change, and that dieting doesn't work because you can't maintain it for the long term. In my head and on paper, I know what I need to do and I understand exactly how it works. But out in the real world, when I'm making decisions at the grocery store (not always based on taste, but also on price -- healthy food is so freaking expensive!), it's so hard for me to put aside the compulsion to say "who gives a shit" and just get the cookies instead of the carrots and waddle down the next aisle.
I do KNOW that the diet Dr. Pepper is bad for me but it just TASTES so much better than plain old water. And every time I finish a can of soda and toss it in the recycling bin -- and I'm STILL thirsty -- I say to myself, "Self, if you just drank some water you wouldn't be thirsty; you might not be hungry, you'll have more energy, AND you will not be so bloated and flabby!" But for whatever reason that self is never the one making decisions at the grocery store or restaurant.
I need to retrain my brain, not just my body. I know I CAN. But lately (as in, my entire adult life) I've been too LAZY to do it. It's easier to be fat. So so much easier. In the moment (the moment where I'm gobbling mozzarela sticks) it's so much more fun to be fat. But then the moments that come after... realizing how much I'm limiting myself by choosing to be unhealthy... For example, I look forward to summer, but only until it's actually hot and then I wish I could just throw on a bathing suit and jump in the pool. I shouldn't have to watch Jerry play with Emily in the pool or at the beach while I'm sitting like a whale on the sidelines because I'm too LAZY to change it.
I know I'm not beyond hope. I'm not THAT much overweight. If I were to lose about 30-40 pounds I would be so proud of my body. I think (and really hope that will turn to "I know" soon) that I'm finally ready to do this; to CHANGE the way I live my life in small and big -- but sustainable -- ways in order to be 100% happy. I'm 99.9% happy right now; so that's what makes me think I can do this now. If I was a miserable person overall, I doubt I would be able to make any changes whatsoever.
But my life is so wonderful -- not perfect -- but amazing nonetheless. I have a pretty awesome husband who makes me laugh, who is an incredible father, and loves me no matter what. I have the two most beautiful, absolutely perfect little girls. I have a house, a car, a job, a few friends, and a weird but wonderful family.
When I was still pregnant with Caroline, I started a Pinterest board that I labeled "Operation Scarlett Johansson". The alternate title could be "Operation Kate Upton" because I have since developed a girl-crush on her.
My long term weight loss goal (like, by my birthday in September) is 30 lbs. My short-term is 5lbs by the end of March. And, based on my experience, if I even put in minimal effort, I should meet that without much trouble since I have always been able to drop the first couple pounds super easy. The problem comes in around pound #8... it just likes to stay around. The real tough stuff will be keeping the motivation and pushing through after those first couple pounds. My historical reaction to losing 5 lbs is to think "Ooh I'm skinny now, so let me go eat some cake and fried chicken" -- so hopefully this time I'll be able to shake that and say, "no, SELF, you need to keep going and get to 10 lbs and then keep going...."
Maybe what I need to do is set a calendar reminder so that I am forced to read this post monthly from now on. Don't worry, this blog isn't going to turn into a mom-fitness blog. There are enough excellent ladies who know much more about being fit & healthy -- and I am reading them for inspiration and ideas -- but I just felt it necessary to put all of this out there. I'm not even really sure what I'm saying besides... I want this. I want to LIVE my life now. I don't want to be afraid to try new things because of how I look and feel.
Most of all, I want to show my girls that taking care of yourself is important. I don't want them to go through life limiting themselves or hating the way they look. I also want to show them that if you want something, you have to work hard for it -- very few amazing things just happen to people.
NOW, for any of you who actually got through that whole rambling, barely-having-a-point post, here is an info-graphic (I guess that's what it's called?) that I pinned last year and decided to try tonight when I get home.
I'm going to take a couple "before" photos and measurements. I also did this about a year ago, right before I got pregnant with Caroline. If you can't start a diet on any day but Monday, you most certainly cannot change your WHOLE lifestyle in the beginning of a pregnancy.
Here's two things I'm doing today -- taking baby steps to get started...
1) I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app -- it's free. That's all I needed to know.
2) I bookmarked theberry.com -- see "Daily Motivation". Awesomeness.
So now that we are done having babies (and I will no longer have the excuse of "eating for two" or "pretty soon I might get pregnant so then I'll be eating for two"), it's TIME. It's time to put down the chips and get off the couch and do some freaking squats. It's time to stop ignoring the "fitness" posts on my Bloglovin feed and actually read them for motivation and inspiration.
This is not the body I'm supposed to have.
There IS enough time in my day to create the body and life I want.
I can still be ME if I chose a salad over a burger.